(My mom and Luke...October 2002)
My little (well, he's not really "little") Jake who is 16 months old was having a rough time going to sleep tonight. Usually he lays right down in his crib without any problems and will go right to sleep.
So I went in to Jake's bedroom, pulled him out of his crib, and sat down in the rocking chair to rock him. He laid his little head down on my shoulder and we rocked for about 30 minutes as I sang/hummed "Noma's Song" to him. He didn't make a peep, except for when I stopped humming or singing, and then he would make little caveman noises behind his pacifier. As soon as I started up again with the song, he would become quiet again.
As I was humming and rocking Jake, I started thinking about how much I love him and my other boys. I started getting a little emotional when I wondered how long I'll be able to do this very thing...rock my baby and sing to him. As I was thinking about this, I was instantly taken back about 5 years earlier...
... My mom was going through chemo for colon cancer at the time. During Mom's illness, Luke and I would fly back to Illinois every 3 months and spend about 2 weeks with my parents. This time in particular, my parents were renting a little green house a few miles outside of town (Nauvoo) because their old house had been demolished to prepare for their new house to be built. I remember this so vividly because I actually captured this sweet moment on my camcorder. I was sitting on the couch recording my mom rocking and singing her song to Luke. I could see through the camera that my mom had tears streaming down her face as she struggled to get out the words of the song. I knew then what she was thinking and it broke my heart. Last night I experienced that same exact thing, only with my own child in my arms.
I found this in the journal that my mom wrote to me before she died..."I love singing my Noma's song to Luke, although it makes me sad, not knowing what the future holds and how much longer I'll be able to do that."
This experience tonight has helped me in many ways. For one, it became clear to me that maybe I have been able to develop some traits similar to my mom's afterall. I have always wished that she were still alive so that I could still learn from her. She was so full of wisdom when it came to family, life, cooking, serving others, etc. I am realizing that my journey with cancer might help me to know her better and learn from her like I never could have before! Also, I am so grateful that I took the time to go into Jake's room, instead of letting him cry it out. I want to try and savor those small things in life that I would normally get annoyed by. If I had let Jake cry himself back to sleep, I might not have had that experience...
**A little background..."Noma's Song" is what we call this Primary song that my mom always sang to us when we were little, and then continued singing it to all the little grandkids later on. My niece and nephew started calling my mom "Noma" when they were little, and it just sort of stuck. That is what my kids refer to my mom as, too.
4 comments:
I'm thinking I should only read your blog at the end of the day when I have no mascara on! Jeez! What a sweet memory you have of Luke (who looks so much like Jake) and your mom. Your mom has to be so proud of you and be so impressed with what a strong, sweet girl you've turned out to be. Even though your mom isn't here with you now, she obviously left you with so many fond memories and such a great example while she was here, that you are just now recognizing new things and new feelings your mom had. I find as I get older and as my kids get older, I come to understand my mom and her ways more and more...don't you? Your boys are very lucky to have you for their mom Charlene.
Charlene, what a priceless moment. K- now I can't get annoyed at my girls when they get up either. I do find that the more I step back and think about motherhood, the closer I feel to my mom too, but also to our Heavenly Father. It kind of gives me a glimpse of how much he must love us. What a sweet memory. Thanks so much for sharing.
Your mom looks angelic in that picture...SO natural just sitting there holding Luke. She looks like she was FULL of wisdom. I know she must be sustaining you through some of these hard times...makes me think of how Christ can "succor" each of us because he's been there, too. And think of the ways YOU are strengthening so many...through your experiences now and in the future.
Charlene....you are so strong and I admire your positive outlook on life. Thank you for reminding me to enjoy those moments that would normally cause me to lose my patience.
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