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I was discharged from the hospital on Sunday and am SO glad to be back home. I'm feeling a lot better now and am looking forward to the next 7 days before chemo on the 6th. This is usually the time when I feel as close to my "old self" and am happy to be able to take care of my kids, do housework, etc. without having to rely on someone else to do it for me! I am grateful for the help...extremely grateful. But it is also nice to feel good enough to be able to do it on my own.

In the Hospital Again

Thursday afternoon I met with my new oncologist...Dr. Kellogg. I am glad I switched to him. When I was leaving my appt. I was starting to get a head ache. By the time I got back home, I was feeling sort of crappy...head ache, slight body aches...

Long story short, that night I started running a fever. I called and talked to Dr. Kellogg and he told me to go to the ER. We got to the ER around 10pm, and they didn't take me back until 1 am. They decided to admit me and took me up to my room at 4am. It was a long night.

My white blood cell count was 0.5 this time and they are still waiting for the blood cultures to come back to determine if what I have is viral or not. My bet is viral. I feel exactly the same as I did 3 weeks ago...fever, body aches, chills, head ache. I imagine I'll be in here until my counts come up again.

Curt brought Luke and Ty by today to see me. I was so happy to see them! Luke kept saying, "Awww...Momma!" and just as they were leaving he said, "I have so much joy with you, Mom". That was so stinking cute! I love my boys and can't wait to get back home so that I can be with them.

DEJA VU

(My mom and Luke...October 2002)

My little (well, he's not really "little") Jake who is 16 months old was having a rough time going to sleep tonight. Usually he lays right down in his crib without any problems and will go right to sleep.

So I went in to Jake's bedroom, pulled him out of his crib, and sat down in the rocking chair to rock him. He laid his little head down on my shoulder and we rocked for about 30 minutes as I sang/hummed "Noma's Song" to him. He didn't make a peep, except for when I stopped humming or singing, and then he would make little caveman noises behind his pacifier. As soon as I started up again with the song, he would become quiet again.

As I was humming and rocking Jake, I started thinking about how much I love him and my other boys. I started getting a little emotional when I wondered how long I'll be able to do this very thing...rock my baby and sing to him. As I was thinking about this, I was instantly taken back about 5 years earlier...

... My mom was going through chemo for colon cancer at the time. During Mom's illness, Luke and I would fly back to Illinois every 3 months and spend about 2 weeks with my parents. This time in particular, my parents were renting a little green house a few miles outside of town (Nauvoo) because their old house had been demolished to prepare for their new house to be built. I remember this so vividly because I actually captured this sweet moment on my camcorder. I was sitting on the couch recording my mom rocking and singing her song to Luke. I could see through the camera that my mom had tears streaming down her face as she struggled to get out the words of the song. I knew then what she was thinking and it broke my heart. Last night I experienced that same exact thing, only with my own child in my arms.

I found this in the journal that my mom wrote to me before she died..."I love singing my Noma's song to Luke, although it makes me sad, not knowing what the future holds and how much longer I'll be able to do that."

This experience tonight has helped me in many ways. For one, it became clear to me that maybe I have been able to develop some traits similar to my mom's afterall. I have always wished that she were still alive so that I could still learn from her. She was so full of wisdom when it came to family, life, cooking, serving others, etc. I am realizing that my journey with cancer might help me to know her better and learn from her like I never could have before! Also, I am so grateful that I took the time to go into Jake's room, instead of letting him cry it out. I want to try and savor those small things in life that I would normally get annoyed by. If I had let Jake cry himself back to sleep, I might not have had that experience...

**A little background..."Noma's Song" is what we call this Primary song that my mom always sang to us when we were little, and then continued singing it to all the little grandkids later on. My niece and nephew started calling my mom "Noma" when they were little, and it just sort of stuck. That is what my kids refer to my mom as, too.

I BICKED IT

Last night...I was losing a lot of my little pokey hairs while I was relaxing in the bathtub. So I hopped in the shower to try to rub some more off. I suddenly felt brave and a bit excited to take the razor to my head. I figured, why not?

I ended up shaving my whole head and man does it feel smooth! Curt poked his head in the shower to check on me and was surprised to see what I had done. He looked it over to get any spots that I missed. I guess it's pay back for me having to shave his neck for him!

*On another note...
As I was sitting here at the computer (it's in my bedroom), Ty zoomed past me towards my bathroom to use the potty. After the toilet flushed, I heard him talking to someone...it was Lola! He was saying, "Hi, Lola. What are you doing, Lola?" Sooo funny!! I didn't even know that he knew we called her Lola!

AT LAST...MY BUZZ PARTY!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the clumps of hair were starting to come out a lot. So on Monday, February 11th, I told Curt that tonight was the night.

As I thought more about cutting my hair, I realized how important it would be for me to not only have my hubby, little boys, and niece Ashlie there with me, but to have some of my best girlfriends there, too. It was tough to narrow it down because I feel like I have so many friends out here, but these 5 girls are who I've been relying on alot for laughs, moral support, play dates, etc. We ALWAYS have a great time when we're together and they keep me laughing SO HARD! Now this isn't to downplay or ignore the fact that I do have some of my best friends who weren't able to participate because of the states in between us, but I do wish they could have been with me, too.

I called Curt later that morning to see if it would be ok with him...to invite my friends. He, of course, said it was up to me. So even though it was Family Home Evening that night, all 5 of my girls showed up for moral support... and some good laughs, as always!

One of the highlights of the evening, was Candice and Erica showing up with their "bald" heads! I still crack up when I think about that! They wanted to show their support and I'm glad they know me well enough to know that I wouldn't take offense to something like that! You guys ROCK! It was such a fun night that totally turned into a party! I only wished I had prepared appetizers and some Dr. Pepper.

It was good for my boys to watch and help in this. Luke was the one who was having the hardest time, I think. He kept getting right in my face...nose to nose...to make sure I was doing ok. I kept telling him "I'm ok. I promise. It will grow back when I'm all done with my medicine." By the look on his face in one of the photos, you can tell he wasn't totally convinced. He was so sweet though and got out the broom and dust pan to help clean up. I love that kid!!

I was so grateful to have my family and some of my closest friends there with me during what could have been a very traumatic time for me. It was/is strange to stare at my bald head in the mirror, but I'm ok with it. No tears have been shed, yet. And I'm not in denial...I just don't think I need to waste my engery crying or being sad about being hairless. I always try to remind myself that things could be much worse, and that I had better count my blessings.

So...a big THANK YOU goes out to my sweet hubby Curt, my handsome little momma's boys Luke, Ty, and Jake, my niece Ashlie (who I know had a difficult time watching...remembering her mom going through this same thing only a few years ago.), and to my 5 girls: Monda, Candice, Erica, Trisha, and Melissa. I LOVE YOU ALL more than you know.

If You Send Them...They Will Come

That title probably makes no sense, but I was thinking about "Field of Dreams".

Anyhoo, I haven't forgotten to post photos of my buzz party! I am just waiting for my friends to send me the pics from their cameras. I want to be able to choose the best photos out of the bunch.

In the meantime, enjoy the picture below of me and my white bandana...or 'dana, as I like to call it. This is what I look like now.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Chemo#2 today...I made Curt take my picture. I could tell he was embarassed to do it because we had a full house today! Just a few recliners were empty. Curt had to stand up in front of everyone to snap this shot, but he didn't complain or protest. He's the best and takes such good care of me. Happy Valentine's Day, Babe! I love you.

THIS is the new and improved "Lola". Some of my friends decided that we needed to give my wig/styrofoam head a name. Candice suggested the name Lola, and it just stuck! Last night, Lola got a makeover! My friend Monda, along with her SIL Christina, came by last night. With them they had googley eyes and the pink boa for Lola! I pulled out the kids' markers and got to work. I'm thinking that Lola feels pretty hot now! Wouldn't you say? Especially with the Cindy Crawford mole!

Lola does have a bit of a sad look on her face, but that's probably because she had to spend her Valentine's Day in my bathroom. She didn't get to go out with me today. Another day, Lola. Another day.

Once Again...the Hair Ball.

I was told by some of my friends that the previous photo I posted of my hair ball didn't do it justice. Sooo, here's a shot of me holding it. Disgusting, I know!

The hair has been shorn and I will be posting pictures soon. The whole experience wasn't as traumatic as I was expecting! I am very grateful for that.

P.S Anyone know how to photo-shop that double chin out?! Sheesh!

It's Time.

Tonight is the night, I've decided. This clump above is what I got when I took a shower this morning. It looks like a bad toupe` or a small animal! Surprisingly, I still have a bunch of hair left on my head. I'm starting to see little patches of baldness here and there, but for the most part, my head is still completely covered by a thin layer of hair. I wasn't kidding when I said I have thick hair.

So, tonight we will take the clippers to those dear hairs that have hung on this long. I have been buzzing my boys' hair for several years, so it's a bit strange for ME to be the one getting the buzz. I will post pictures.

P.S.

I appologize to those who are grossed out by the above photo!

MY NEW BEST FRIEND

I know the styrofoam head is a bit scarey, but I will model the wig for y'all after I lose some more hair...the wig will fit much better. This wig will become my new best friend over the next several months! Who knows...maybe I will continue to wear wigs even after my hair grows back. It is sooo convienent to just throw it on and have perfect hair. It's better than the 45 minutes that it usually takes me.

Depending on what shakes down with our insurance, I may even get another wig (a longer one) to play around with.

Robin Roberts

I have been an avid viewer of ABC's morning show Good Morning America for many years. My mom always watched it, so it's in my blood. This morning I was touched by co-anchor Robin Roberts, and her courage to be "herself".

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=4255746&page=1

I was watching GMA the morning Robin told America that she had breast cancer. I had always been drawn to her, probably because of her amazing personality, but since my diagnosis, I feel sort of a bond with her.

There's a lot that can be learned from her.

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow

Today is the day! My hair is officially starting to come out. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this, but so far no tears have been shed (yet). Iknow. I know. It will grow back. It's just going to be an adjustment. That's all. I am actually looking forward to wearing my CUTE wig!

Re-cap (WARNING: it's a long one!)

From the beginning...

I nursed Jake until he was about 7 months old. It was about 2 months or so later that I noticed a firm mass on my left breast. I wasn't quite sure if it was my imagination, or if maybe it was due to the fact that I had recently stopped breastfeeding my baby. I hadn't nursed my first two boys, so I didn't really have any experience on the possible breast changes post-breastfeeding.

I didn't really think much of this "area" on my breast until one of my close friends out here told me about her sister-in-law Amy. Erica's SIL had just been diagnosed with breast cancer at age 29. She is a mother to 3 little girls and had NO family history of breast cancer. This news hit me hard. Amy is my exact age, but I DO have a family history of breast cancer. It was because of Amy and her recent diagnosis that I felt the need to call my doctor.

I hadn't mentioned anything about the lump to Curt until around the time that I found out about Amy. I honestly kept forgetting to tell him...I wasn't intentionally keeping it from him. So one night I told Curt about my lump/mass. He could feel it, too. And that's when I freaked! He had validated my fears. It wasn't my imagination after all. I cried a lot that night because I kept thinking about my little boys, Curt, my mom, my sister Carrie, and the rest of my family. I know all to well about the routine....tests.....waiting game.....diagnosis.....waiting game.....treatment and/or surgery...etc.

The next morning I called my OB/GYN Dr. Layton (whom I adore) and he was willing to send the orders for both a mammogram and ultrasound without seeing me first. Of course, scheduling the stupid tests was frustrating. I waited 9 LONG days to get in to have my tests done. Never mind the fact that I was about to have a nervous breakdown! Another week and a half went by before I got a call with my results.

My results....NORMAL

Luckily, Dr. Layton had given me the name and phone number of a surgeon and he wanted me to call this surgeon regardless of test results. Even if they came back normal, he wanted me to call this surgeon for a possible biopsy. Dr. Layton has delivered my last two babies and treated me throughout my pregnancy with Ty....which was during the time of my mom's death. He said he knew that I had been through some difficult times with my mom's and my sister's death. He didn't want me to have to live my life in fear...always wondering...so thought it would be best to put my mind at ease.

About 2 weeks later, I set up an appointment to see the surgeon Dr. Schuster. At the appointment (Nov. 26th), I was expecting just a consultation, but Dr. Schuster decided that, given my family history, he needed to do a biopsy there in the office. I was relieved to hear that he was going to biopsy it.

Over the next few days I didn't really think much about it. I kept telling myself that this was one time that I wasn't going to get all worked up over nothing. And then the phone call came. On December 3rd, 7 days after my biopsy was taken, Dr. Schuster himself called me at home. "I have the pathology report from your biopsy.....and unfortunately....it's not good. It's cancer and we're going to need to do surgery as soon as possible...". I tried to keep my composure, but it was tough because I was SO SHOCKED. My mammo/ultrasound were NORMAL! I called Curt and he immediately left work to be with me at home. As all of this was going on, I kept looking at my little boys' faces. My heart was breaking at the thought of them losing their mommy.

As days past, I was able to feel more and more peace. I felt such a strong desire to learn and grow as much as I could from this experience. I know that no matter what the outcome is, my family and I will be fine. I am living proof that life does go on...even though it can be extremely difficult at times. The day my dad called me and informed me of my mom's cancer diagnosis, I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I couldn't imagine living life without my mom, but I am now. I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today, if I hadn't have gone through the trials I've been face with. I also think about how my cancer journey might be teaching my boys and helping mold them into the men that their Father in Heaven wants them to be.

I opted for a double mastectomy and was referred to a wonderful plastic surgeon named Dr. Boll. After consulting with her, Curt and I both felt that the Tram-flap procedure would be the best way to go. (you can Google it. Basically, I got a boob job and tummy tuck!) My surgery was on December 18th, which happened to be Curt's 29th birthday. He and my father in law sat in the waiting room during my 11 hour surgery. The reconstruction was done at the same time and I am so happy to have had it done that way.

Results of the surgery...StageII B breast cancer, 2 lymph nodes out of 12 were positive, the tissue from the right breast was completely clear of any cancer.

Recovery wasn't too difficult. The hardest part was not being able to hold or pick up my kids. I had to wait 6 weeks until I could lift.

While meeting with Dr. Chang, the oncologist, we found out that I was going to start chemo on January 24th. I go in once every 3 weeks until mid-June. No radiation, but I will lose my hair and that scares me. I've always had a massive amount of hair on my head so I cannot even fathom what it's like to not have any at all! I was able to get a really cute wig, though through the American Cancer Society (thanks to Amy!). Erica's SIL Amy has been so sweet to me. We have talked on the phone a couple of times and Amy is always full of advice and tips. It has been great to be able to talk to her and to feel a bond with her.

Jan 24th...Chemo1...Not really any nausea. Basically body aches off and on, some head aches, and fatigue.

Chemo#2 is scheduled for February 14th. Happy Valentine's Day to us! At least Curt will be sitting in the chemo room with me. Maybe we'll share the ear buds to the iPod and listen to love songs!

Date Night at the Hospital

In a nutshell... I woke up Thursday morning with a fever and body aches. We are suppose to notify the dr. immediately if my temperature is at or above 100.4...so we called her. I ended up in the ER...the fever kept creeping up...my white blood cell count was near non-exsistent...so they admitted me. X-rays, blood cultures, and other tests came back normal so they've determined that what I have is viral.

My immune system is basically wiped out from the chemo, so my body has no ability to fight anything off. The dr's continue to give me IV antibiotics and I am hoping that my WBC's come up enough so they can send me home. It was sort of a blow to me Thursday morning. I wasn't expecting to land in the hospital so early in the game and I will do whatever I have to do in order to avoid all of this again. If I have to wear a mask 24/7...I will.

And, once again, Marla has come to our rescue! The boys have been staying at Grandma and Grandpa's house for the past two days and I am relieved that I don't need to worry about them. Curt has been staying with me at the hospital. His only complaint...he doesn't want to have to watch the Super Bowl on the "tiny" hospital tv! I don't blame him.

HOME SWEET HOME

My WBC's were up to 2.6 on Sunday, so I was able to go home!! SOOO happy to get back home to my babies!