Superwoman...I Am Not

I had one of those days last Thursday night. Curt and I were having a conversation after the kids were in bed (poor guy didn't know what he was in for!). Apparently, all of my supressed emotions needed to show their ugly heads.

I had been feeling a bit down for the last little while and thought I had a handle on things. Or at least that's what I kept trying to tell myself. I didn't realize until Thursday night just how frazzled my nerves were. I finally admitted to Curt, and to my self, that I was exhausted...physically, mentally...just plum worn out.

I have a habit of keeping things to myself. I'm not the best at saying "I'm having a hard day" or "I am feeling" this way or that. It's hard for me. But, eventually it all needs to come out!

When I finally stopped to think about how I've been feeling, I remembered reading that depression is one of the possible side effects of Tamoxifen. I have felt exactly like I did in the past when battling depression....wanting to sleep all of the time (which is so not like me), inability to focus or collect my thoughts, crying at the drop of a hat, anxiety/panic feelings, anger one minute...crying the next, etc. etc.

So, with all of those lovely things I've been feeling lately, I decided (with some prodding from my dear hubby) that something needed to be done. I talked with 2 of my doctors today and it was decided to put me on Effexor. I took it once before about 3 years ago, and I had good results then. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary. Anyone who knows me well knows that I HATE taking medication for anything. I usually suffer through headaches because I don't want to take anything for it! It's stupid, I know. I guess maybe it's the stubborn nurse in me?? Who knows.

I just thought this little tidbit needed to be shared!

Little By Little

My hair is finally starting to come back in! I am both happy and sad about this. Only sad because it's been really nice not having to shave! But, I would gladly accept being hairy over going through chemo again ANY DAY.

Today's radiation was number18. My last day will be on August 13th!! I am really excited to be done with the daily drives to the cancer center, but, honestly, it hasn't been that big of a deal. So far I've had no skin reactions or other side effects (besides the sore throat, which is much better). I still have about 15 treatments to go, so it is likely (at least I'm assuming) that my skin will be starting to get sore soon. I just hope it doesn't get as bad as Amy's (ouch!).

I've set up an appt. with my plastic surgeon after radiation is over. I'm excited to get the rest of my reconstructive surgery done. This appt. next month will only be for a consultation. She might want to wait another month or 2 to do the surgery...allowing my skin more time to heal. I will also be seeing my OB/GYN in Sept. for my yearly check up with him. It's probably strange to hear...but I'm actually looking forward to seeing him! Curt and I both LOVE Dr. Layton. He has taken such good care of me over the last 6 years. I am going to have him do my oopherectomy (remove ovaries) and we will talk to him about that in Sept. also.

Decisions...Decisions...and Risk Factors

I've been doing a lot of soal-searching, praying, comparing pro's and con's, etc...in regards as to whether to keep my ovaries...or to have them removed. I have felt more encouraged and more at peace with doing the surgery.

I think no matter what, I will always be sad to be done having babies (biologically). But... I get VERY excited when I think about the possibility of adopting some day. It is an amazing feeling when I think about the chance to give another child a home where they will be loved, when they might have otherwise grown up without that. There was a commercial on tv the other day ( www.azfamily.com/areyoumyfamily ) that got me thinking more about this possible option for us.

I came across this list of risk factors today when I was doing some cancer research online. After reading FAMILY HISTORY, it was even more apparent to me that I am definitely at great risk for developing ovarian cancer in the future (with Mom's colon cancer...and...Carrie's breast cancer).

I copied the list of risk factors for anyone who might be interested in learning more.

What factors increase the chance of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer?

The following factors have been associated with increased breast and/or ovarian cancer risk. It is not yet known exactly how these factors influence risk in people with BRCA1 or BRCA2 alterations.

Age—The risk of breast and ovarian cancers increases with age. Most breast and ovarian cancers occur in women over the age of 50. Women with an altered BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene often develop breast or ovarian cancer before age 50.

Family History—Women who have a first-degree relative (mother, sister, or daughter) or other close relative with breast and/or ovarian cancer may be at increased risk for developing these cancers. In addition, women with relatives who have had colon cancer are at increased risk of developing ovarian cancer.

Medical History—Women who have already had breast cancer are at increased risk of developing breast cancer again, or of developing ovarian cancer. Women who have had colon cancer also have an increased risk of developing ovarian cancer.

Hormonal Influences—Estrogen is naturally produced by the body and stimulates the normal growth of breast tissue. It is suspected that excess estrogen may contribute to breast cancer risk because of its natural role in stimulating breast cell growth. Women who had their first menstrual period before the age of 12 or experienced menopause after age 55 have a slightly increased risk of breast cancer, as do women who had their first child after age 30. Each of these factors increases the amount of time a woman’s body is exposed to estrogen. Removal of a woman’s ovaries, which produce estrogen, reduces the risk of breast cancer.

Birth Control Pills (Oral Contraceptives)—Most studies show a slight increase or no change in breast cancer risk in women taking birth control pills. Some studies suggest that a woman who has taken birth control pills for a long period of time, and began taking them at an early age or before her first pregnancy, has a small increase in her risk for developing breast cancer. In contrast, taking birth control pills may decrease a woman’s risk of ovarian cancer.

Hormone Replacement Therapy—A woman’s risk for developing breast cancer may be increased by hormone replacement therapy (HRT), especially when it is used for a long period of time. Doctors may prescribe HRT to reduce the discomfort from symptoms of menopause, such as hot flashes. Some evidence suggests that women who use HRT after menopause may also have a slightly increased risk of developing ovarian cancer. HRT may have positive health effects as well, such as lowering a woman’s risk of heart disease and osteoporosis. These protective effects diminish after a woman discontinues therapy. The risks and benefits of HRT should be carefully considered by a woman and her health care provider.

Dietary Fat—Although early studies suggested a possible association between a high-fat diet and increased breast cancer risk, more recent studies have been inconclusive. It is not yet known whether a diet low in fat will lower breast cancer risk.

Physical Activity—Studies of the relationship between physical activity and breast cancer have had mixed results. However, some studies suggest that regular exercise, particularly in women age 40 and younger, may decrease breast cancer risk.

Alcohol—Alcohol use may increase breast cancer risk, but no biological mechanism for the relationship between alcohol and breast cancer risk has been established.

Environmental Factors—Exposure of the breast to ionizing radiation, such as radiation therapy for Hodgkin’s disease or other disorders, is associated with an increased risk of breast cancer, especially when the exposure occurred at a young age. Evidence for the effect of occupational, environmental, or chemical exposures on breast cancer risk is limited. For example, there is some evidence to suggest that organochlorine residues in the environment, such as those from insecticides, might be associated with an increase in breast cancer risk. However, the significance of this evidence has been debated. Scientific research is currently in progress to study the effects of various environmental factors on breast cancer risk.

Where can people get more information about genetic testing for cancer risk?

A person who is considering genetic testing should speak with a professional trained in genetics before deciding whether to be tested. These professionals may include doctors, genetic counselors, and other health care workers trained in genetics (such as nurses, psychologists, or social workers). For more information on genetic testing or for help finding a health care professional trained in genetics, contact the National Cancer Institute’s Cancer Information Service (CIS) at 1–800–4–CANCER (1–800–422–6237) (see below). The CIS can also provide information about clinical trials (research studies with people) and answer questions about cancer.

Relay For Life

Monda's sister-in-law (Christina) did the Relay For Life in Ohio...and did it in my honor! When I looked at these photos last night, I was so touched. Christina (and so many others) has been one of my biggest supporters and I am grateful for her. It is touching to know that someone cares enough about me to want to walk for such a great cause in MY NAME.

I was a bit over come last night when I saw this first photo. It is surreal, even after all these months, to see "In Honor" of...with MY name below. And to see it glowing like that, for some reason, made me even more awe struck. Some days it seems so strange for me to say "I have breast cancer.". I'm not in denial or anything, but those are words I didn't think I'd be saying for a long long time...at least until I was a bit older.

But, this is the reality, and I have been focused since day one to make it a positive experience for me and my family. To learn as much as I could. To touch as many lives as I could. To help people understand that we CAN make it through challenges like this without crumbling. To completely rely on my Father in Heaven and to accept His will for me. It may not be what I had imagined or what I want, but He is all knowing. I have complete faith in Him.

Thank you, Christina!!

9th Day of Radiation

We spent the holiday weekend in Snowflake at the cabin with Curt's parents. Besides the kids taking turns puking, and Jake's diarrhea, we had a great time! I love being able to get away from the daily distractions that we have and just really focus on spending good quality time with our kids. Jake was so worn out that he fell asleep while I was taking them for a ride on the 4wheeler! It was so cute.

I had last Friday off, due to the 4th of July, and this Monday their machine was down so my appointment was canceled for the day. Today marks the 9th radiation treatment. I saw Dr. Woo (radiation oncologist)yesterday and he said I have 25 treatments left...5 more weeks to go. And other than catching a flu bug the beginning of last week, I have been feeling good!

It's all going quite well, actually. The treatments are pretty quick, only taking about 15 minutes, and all of the ladies in that department are really nice. The only side effect so far that is bothersome is my sore throat. Dr. Woo said yesterday that if it gets worse I can either (a) take some liquid pain medication--(no thanks!) or (b) soften my diet until it heals--(shakes and smoothies from now on? Sign me up!!) My throat started getting sore last Friday. I had a feeling that it was due to radiation because it doesn't feel like your typical sore throat. I can drink liquids fine, but swallowing food is a little more uncomfortable. Oh well. I will deal with it.

We also got confirmation from our insurance company that they, indeed, will NOT cover my BRCA gene testing. Dr. Woo recommends that I have my ovaries taken out anyway, if I'm done having kids. As long as the oopherectomy is deemed medically necessary, we should have no problems with them covering that. The only problem with that is...I don't know if I'm ok with that. Since December 3rd, I have pretty much thought my chances of getting pregnant again were going to be slim, but I have still had a teeny bit of hope that...maybe it is possible? Am I crazy? Am I being selfish? I know how blessed I have been, to have been able to carry 3 babies, and have 3 healthy deliveries. I can't help but think how final it will be...not a chance in the world...to be able to get pregnant again some day in the future. *It didn't help that last night I had a dream that I was in the hospital, in labor, and about to deliver a baby! Curt and I both have always thought it would be an amazing experience to adopt some day, so I know we have that option. This surgery will have to be something that I continuously pray about so that I will know, without a doubt, what I should do. Dr. Woo told me yesterday that there is no rush to do this surgery. That was a relief to hear because now I feel like I can take my time to decide.

According to him, if I did have the BRCA testing done and if it were positive, there's "only about a 67% chance of getting cancer in the ovaries" and that usually doesn't happen until later on in life. I think a 67% chance is pretty high when we're talking about my life!

I think what I need to do is look more into a grant or something that will pay for the test. I feel like I need to have that test done, not only so that I can know for sure for myself, but for my sister Christie, Ashlie and my other 3 little nieces, my aunt Barb, and my boys because they could be at risk, too.

The Gi-Normous Yard Sale

Our yard sale was a HUGE success this past Saturday...thanks to everyone who pitched in to help! We had several truckloads/trailers-full of stuff unloaded in our front yard on Friday evening. I was in awe at all the stuff people had donated to us. We had several friends help us separate/organize things that night. Curt ended up staying out front all night long because we didn't want anyone stealing our stuff. He sat there ready to pummell anyone who thought they could get the 5-finger discount. No one tried anything, but I think Curt did scare our neighbor when he decided to walk by at 3am. I had a hard time sleeping that night, too. I was not too keen on Curt staying out there all night, plus, I was just too wired to sleep. My mind was racing, as usual.

We ended up having an ice cream cart (donated to us by some people at our church) to sell ice cream cones, a lemonade stand (thanks to Emily and Abbi), yummy baked goods (cinnamon rolls to DIE FOR!), and plenty of bottled water and soda to help cool people down. It was a sweaty and exhausting day, but we are so grateful to everyone for all of their help. We could not have done it without all of them.

We were able to make some good money AND we also sold our little Toyota at the sale, too!! A nice little chunk of change to help pay off some stuff...and we are so happy about that!

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I thought it was time for a change! I'm diggin' my new blog background. Now I just need someone with some skills to make a cute header for me.